Not until you Put a Ring on it!

When to introduce your children to a new partner.

The issue of introducing new partners to children frequently arises during the separation and divorce process.  Often one of the parents is already involved with another person when they decide to separate.  While you may be enthralled with the new person in your life, there are considerations before introducing the children to this person.

A divorce is an attachment injury for the children. This is psychological wound and both parents need to be diligent about minimizing the injury.  Children need time to heal from their parent’s divorce. If the children become attached to the new partner and the relationship ends, the children will have another injury to heal from. They need time to process their anger, sadness and grief.

If the children are holding on to the idea that their parents will reconcile, introducing them to a new partner will cause more anguish for them.  Children often view a new partner as a rival and will not share your positive feelings. 

Adult information should be kept between adults.  If you are dating someone, your children do not need to know. All they need to know is that you are going out.  Better yet is to attend to your dating when the children are with the other parent and keep your dating life completely separate from your role as a parent.

The psychologists that I work with in my Collaborative practice advise that new partners not be introduced to children until you are certain the relationship is one of permanence, meaning there is a ring on a finger signifying an intention to marry or you have lived together for at least a period of one year. 

When you believe your relationship to be one of permanence, then have a discussion with your co-parent about your intentions to introduce your children to the new partner and decide with your co-parent how best to do that!

In addition to the impact on the children, consider how the knowledge of a new partner will influence your divorce negotiations.  Divorce is often a challenging process and when there is a third party involved there will be more hurt and anger and distrust which will have consequences on the negotiations. 

For more information on Collaborative Divorce call 780-983-3494.